The first thing we need to do when it comes to consolidating fifty states is to make easy decisions. Like I wrote earlier, let’s put up some checks in the win column and build momentum. So after looking at a map and using what basic American history I retained in school, I believe there are five states that must remain unaffected in this transition.
Texas: The residents of Texas are a tightly wound bunch. There is a reason they put more inmates on death row than many nations combined. They don’t put up with anything. Texas Rangers once hung rustlers for stealing horses. I hate to think what they would do if we relocated all of New England within its borders.
Louisiana: Besides being the birthplace of jazz, this is the only state truly colonized by the French. I don’t know if that is good or bad. So I think we should play it safe.
Nevada: If you’ve ever been to Las Vegas, you know why it’s important to keep this state separate. The normal rules of business and governance do not apply here. If the state goes down, I think it best to keep it from spreading past the desert.
Kentucky: Created bourbon. Should change their name to Bourbon.
New York: Let’s face it. The state is the city and it’s the greatest one in the world. There is no reason to confuse by combining it with other states. Plus, New York is the only place in the nation where a global crisis can be created with a keystroke. They need to concentrate.
Now that we determined which five states to keep, it’s time to decide which five must go. For those residents who live in these states, don’t take it personally. These are tough times. And let’s be honest, there are some who have been masquerading as states all along.
Wyoming: Did you know this state consists of 300,000 cattle, 250,000 sheep and four ranchers. Nobody lives in Wyoming. I saw the infinite landscape on my way to the Rockies. It was miles and miles of uninhabited high country. There was a moment in my drive when I saw a resident of Hereford, Colorado waving “Over here.” Wyoming is a great place but it should have never been a state. Let’s just expand Yellowstone and give the deer and the antelope a place to play.
Alaska & Hawaii: There is a reason these two states are 49th and 50th. They are outliers who feel quite comfortable living in their own time zone. But if we are going to get serious on consolidating, we need to make a hard and fast rule that that any state that wants to be part of the union should have the decency to be contiguous. Outposts are always the first ground given when it comes to a crumbling empire. (e.g. Greenland for the Vikings and AOL for Time Warner.) Now I’m not taking Alaska and Hawaii into the boardroom and firing them. Instead, I think they need to be demoted. So instead of being states they could become commonwealths. Therefore, their citizens would still have most of the rights and protections afforded to them in the constitution. But like Puerto Rico, they no longer would have the hassle of standing in a voting booth, trying to decide which official will be least likely to be brought up on ethic’s charges.
New Mexico & Michigan: Even during tough times I think it’s a good idea to still think of others. And there is no better way to make friends with our neighbors to the north and south than to hand out gifts. Now, I’m not sure how excited the residents of New Mexico will be to be incorporated into the old, but I’m pretty sure the people living in the upper peninsula of Michigan may already believe they live in Canada.
Consolisate: Part One
Consolisate: Part Two
Consolisate: Part Three
Consolisate: Part Four
Consolisate: Part Five