Tag Archives: USA

CONSOLISTATE: PART FIVE

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TOUGH CALLS

We have rounded third base and reached the bottom of the barrel.  It certainly doesn’t get any easier when we move to the Great Plains, which is unfortunate.  Besides having the same topography, three states also share Native America names.

Oklahoma means “Red People” in Choctaw.

Kansas means “Soft Wind People” in Sioux.

Nebraska means “flat water” in Otos.

What does this mean other than Nebraska can’t produce a great beer?  All I know, there’s  no effective way to combine these three together.   Here are some failed attempts:  Kan-Bra-Ma  and Ne-La-Sas

Do the above words carry any meaning?  Did I accidentally create a swear word?  I don’t know.  One of the words may mean “Flat Red Wind,” which could be offensive culturally as well as aromatically.  I think I’ll play it safe and call this region North Texas.

When we head back east I only see giant tongue twister:

Mississippi + Tennessee + Arkansas+ Alabama

This definitely would be one of the cooler looking states.  The name would also contain an overabundance of vowels, which will make any college football cheer cumbersome.  After all, who wants to keep shouting “Go Arnessbappi!!!”  Even worse will be the school nickname, Crimson Rebel Razorbacks who love to Volunteer.  How can a wild pig be altruistic? Would it really want to volunteer?  I see a better university name when we head back out west to:

Arizona + Colorado + Idaho + Utah

Again, this would be an interesting looking state.  It would have the profile of a tall statue with a small head and an immense beer gut, which may be appropriate for I predict this consolistate will attract students from all over the United States who will want to be near the mountains and desert while studying anthropology and home brewing.  And come Fall Saturdays they will pour into the football stadium to cheer The U’Coldazona Wild Ute Buffaloes who love to Vandalize!!!

Finally, we need to address the mini states:

Delaware+ Massachusetts + Connecticut + Rhode Island + Maryland

All these states are too tiny to stand on their own.  Seriously, my neighbor’s backyard is bigger than Rhode Island.  I could understand the need during the colonial period, but come on!  It’s time for them to band together and form a state you can actually see on a map.  But consolistation might not be enough.  In order for them to be viable I think they should also find a corporate sponsor.  One that comes to mind: Trumpville.

Now I know the above consolistate is not contiguous and would violate one of my rules.  But this irregularity would only perpetuate one of my other beliefs.  Once you set a hard and fast rule, be sure to immediately break it. This is why I’m suggesting combining Washington the State with Washington the D.C.

With the partisan divide growing more and more acrimonious, it’s only a matter of time before the politicians challenge each other to a duel on the national mall.  But for those who aren’t looking to take twenty paces, I have a solution.  The Republicans can stay in D.C. with its rich history and architecture and the Democrats can relocate to Seattle with its natural beauty and coffee.  Maybe a physical separation may do the country some good.  It may give our politicians the breathing space to become reflective knowing the enemy is on the other coast.  It can’t hurt.  God knows we should try something.

Consolisate: Part One

Consolisate: Part Two

Consolisate: Part Three

Consolisate: Part Four

Consolisate: Part Five

CONSOLISTATE: PART FOUR

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CRAPPY NAMES

From here decisions get tough.  Up to this point everything was smooth and free flowing.   It was fun demoting and giving away states.  It was easy to consolistate.  But now the low hanging fruit is gone and we are left with eleven states that are ripe for pairing, but I cannot find the right name.  My first dilemma is the state I live in and its neighbor.

Minnesota + Wisconsin

I think the above two states would make a great pair.  Both have prospering metropolitan cities: Twin Cities and Milwaukee.  Both have great college towns:  Madison and Mankato.  And finally, both take great pride in their natural resources: Minnesota’s ten thousand lakes and Wisconsin’s Green Bay Packers.  If only we could capture this synergy with a suitable name.  I only see two and I find them lacking.

Winnesota:  The name gives the appearance there are winning sports teams in Minnesota.

Misconsin:  Is that a mistake in your name?

Then there is another great pairing that is also in the Midwest.

 Illinois + Indiana

Look at a map.  These two states were made for each other.  They are the only two states that look like they may be related with Illinois acting the role of the older brother who works as a union boss with questionable ties to the mob and Indiana as the wide-eyed younger brother who goes on to become a senator with presidential ambitions.

The problem is the name.  There isn’t a combination that works.  After much reflection over a ten minute lunch, I came up with an option.  If the two states can convince a major company to relocate from Silicon Valley to Terra Haute, there is only one name – i-state.

If you think the above is a stretch, it only gets worse when you combine:

The Virginias + The Carolinas

Although bold, I think it’s a correct move to combine all these Atlantic states.  They share the Appalachian Mountains and are predominantly rural.  They may also give O’Jersylvania a run as a key presidential consolistate.  I just don’t like the name in any combination.

Virolina: Did I just create a new disease?  Would the CDC need to relocate to Charlotte?

Carginia:  Would this name cause a spike in cancer rates or would it be the tobacco?

Consolisate: Part One

Consolisate: Part Two

Consolisate: Part Three

Consolisate: Part Four

Consolisate: Part Five

CONSOLISTATE: PART TWO

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HOUSECLEANING

The first thing we need to do when it comes to consolidating fifty states is to make easy decisions.  Like I wrote earlier, let’s put up some checks in the win column and build momentum.  So after looking at a map and using what basic American history I retained in school, I believe there are five states that must remain unaffected in this transition.

Texas:  The residents of Texas are a tightly wound bunch.  There is a reason they put more inmates on death row than many nations combined.  They don’t put up with anything.  Texas Rangers once hung rustlers for stealing horses.  I hate to think what they would do if we relocated all of New England within its borders.

Louisiana:  Besides being the birthplace of jazz, this is the only state truly colonized by the French.  I don’t know if that is good or bad.  So I think we should play it safe.

Nevada:  If you’ve ever been to Las Vegas, you know why it’s important to keep this state separate.  The normal rules of business and governance do not apply here. If the state goes down, I think it best to keep it from spreading past the desert.

Kentucky:  Created bourbon.  Should change their name to Bourbon.

New York:  Let’s face it.  The state is the city and it’s the greatest one in the world.  There is no reason to confuse by combining it with other states.  Plus, New York is the only place in the nation where a global crisis can be created with a keystroke.  They need to concentrate.

Now that we determined which five states to keep, it’s time to decide which five must go.  For those residents who live in these states, don’t take it personally.  These are tough times.  And let’s be honest, there are some who have been masquerading as states all along.

Wyoming:  Did you know this state consists of 300,000 cattle, 250,000 sheep and four ranchers.  Nobody lives in Wyoming.  I saw the infinite landscape on my way to the Rockies.  It was miles and miles of uninhabited high country.  There was a moment in my drive when I saw a resident of Hereford, Colorado waving “Over here.”  Wyoming is a great place but it should have never been a state.  Let’s just expand Yellowstone and give the deer and the antelope a place to play.

Alaska & Hawaii:  There is a reason these two states are 49th and 50th.  They are outliers who feel quite comfortable living in their own time zone.  But if we are going to get serious on consolidating, we need to make a hard and fast rule that that any state that wants to be part of the union should have the decency to be contiguous.  Outposts are always the first ground given when it comes to a crumbling empire.  (e.g. Greenland for the Vikings and AOL for Time Warner.)  Now I’m not taking Alaska and Hawaii into the boardroom and firing them.  Instead, I think they need to be demoted.  So instead of being states they could become commonwealths.  Therefore, their citizens would still have most of the rights and protections afforded to them in the constitution.  But like Puerto Rico, they no longer would have the hassle of standing in a voting booth, trying to decide which official will be least likely to be brought up on ethic’s charges.

New Mexico & Michigan:  Even during tough times I think it’s a good idea to still think of others. And there is no better way to make friends with our neighbors to the north and south than to hand out gifts.  Now, I’m not sure how excited the residents of New Mexico will be to be incorporated into the old, but I’m pretty sure the people living in the upper peninsula of Michigan may already believe they live in Canada.

Consolisate: Part One

Consolisate: Part Two

Consolisate: Part Three

Consolisate: Part Four

Consolisate: Part Five

CONSOLISTATE: PART ONE

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INTRO

I don’t need to tell you we live in tough times.  There, I said.  So, let’s say it again.  We live in tough times as individuals, as families, as communities, as a nation.  The brakes applied to our once prosperous nation have been on for so long, one has to wonder if we are permanently in park.  What is unnerving is we don’t know when it will get better.  Someone forgot to change the light bulb at the end of the tunnel and that person needs to be fired.  But what else do we need to do?

Like most, I’ve hunkered down and made some tough choices.  First, I got rid of my middle name.  With the way things are going I thought there was no need to be extravagant.  Also, unless you are a pope there is no need for extra monikers.

Second, I decided to give up smoking.  I think it was a smart move and an achievable goal considering I never started the habit.  But this follows one of my beliefs that one should first set goals already accomplished.  Put a check in the win column and build momentum.

Third, I decided to move out of my apartment and  into a neighbor’s house.  This has been critical for I have (A) saved money and (B) jettisoned possessions I did not need.  The transition has been a positive one except my neighbor doesn’t know I’ve snuck into his house.  I’m hoping to have a conversation after I finish another load of laundry.

These are a few examples of adapting to a new and stark environment.  With a major crisis must come major change, not only on the individual level but national as well.  No, I’m not talking about Utah moving in with Nevada (Odd Couple) and Ohio making room for Connecticut.  But I do think we need to ask ourselves what it means to be the United States.  And to answer this question we must have the optimism to be creative and the realism to be restrained.  I’ve thought about this question for over thirty minutes and have a plan to consolidate 50 states to 19.  I hope you will read with an open mind, especially you TEXAS!

Consolisate: Part One

Consolisate: Part Two

Consolisate: Part Three

Consolisate: Part Four

Consolisate: Part Five