LOW HANGING FRUIT
Now that we have done a little house cleaning and put another load in the washer, it is time to get to the nitty gritty of creating what I like to call consolistates. And after pouring through my well thumbed Rand McNally map, referencing soon-to-be-tossed National Geographic magazines and studying word origins, I’ve targeted fifteen states that would make eligible candidates. In fact, a lot of these states have already begun this process on the local level. For example, if I were to ask a young resident in South Dakota:
ME: Where do you go to high school?
ME: That’s a mouthful. What’s your nickname?
STUDENT: Warrior Eagles who like to Raid!!!
I know these towns well for I lived in South Dakota. And while I was growing up, there was serious talk in the North Dakota legislature to drop the “North” from their state. I think the main reason was certain legislatures believed if they dropped the direction, people from other parts of the United States would no longer think North Dakota a cold tundra abutting Canada. I thought if they were going to make such a bold move, they should have invited their neighbor to join.
Maybe I’m partial but I think Dakota is a beautiful name. Did you know it means “friend” in Sioux? Merging the north and south of anything is a logical solution. But since times are tough and the open prairie is endless, I think we need to add one more state.
South and North Dakota + Montana = Monkota.
The state motto could be God and Tom Brokaw vacation here. And since we have the ball rolling, here are some easy consolistates.
Missouri + Iowa = Missowa
Florida + Georgia = Florgia
California + Oregon = Caligon
Now that we are halfway through the low hanging fruit I think it’s important to state some rules. This isn’t a random and willy-nilly process. In order for states to be considered for consolistation, they must:
- Share a common border.
- Have a similar geographical landscape.
- Must not currently be engaged in a civil war.
The above states meet these criteria. Recently, I drove through Iowa and Missouri and found the transition seamless. Most residents of Miami-Dade County already refer to the Florida panhandle as Southern Georgia. And you will not find a more beautiful ocean drive than the one that runs from northern California into Oregon.
To finish up the Sweet 15 are a pair of tri-states that not only would make great consolistates, but I think would become major players in national politics. First you have:
Ohio+ New Jersey + Pennsylvania
I think O’Jersylvania has the potential to be the key swing state when it comes to picking our next president. Neither red nor blue, every presidential candidate will have to campaign relentlessly in this region for I predict this new consolistate will correctly choose our next president until it doesn’t. Or as the new saying will go, “As goes O’Jersylvania, so goes O’Nation.”
But before we elect a president, we must select the nominees, which bring us to:
New Hampshire + Vermont + Maine
I think my favorite consolistate is New Vermaine. I feel so good about this one I think it should have exclusive rights to the presidential nomination process. The residents seem like independent, practical people who are not prone to extremes. I would trust their judgment in selecting candidates from either party. I think we should do away with Iowa, South Carolina and Florida and let New Vermaine have total control of the process. I also think it would be good for the candidates. Instead of jetting from state to state, subsisting on little sleep and cold hot dogs, they could rent a Winnebago and campaign during the day and grill out at night. I know the rest of the nation would appreciate it if New Vermaine took over this awesome responsibility.
Consolisate: Part One
Consolisate: Part Two
Consolisate: Part Three
Consolisate: Part Four
Consolisate: Part Five