One thought ahead. Three sentences behind.

Foreigners – Canadian Geese

Canadian Goose by by Robert Lawton

I know it’s xenophobic but I do not like Canadian Geese.  As a group they are a gaggle of jerks. I don’t know why more people do not share this sentiment.  There’s been so much talk about closing down our southern border that these flying gasbags come in unimpeded and over-extend their stay.

Overall, I’m not a big fan of birds.  Let’s face it, they don’t make great pets.  Unlike Flipper or Lassie, there isn’t one classic T.V. show featuring a parakeet, let alone a finch.  Even in an ensemble, who’s the grumpiest Disney character of them all? “D-O-N-A-L-D D-U-C-K!”  Look at Donald’s extended family.  His uncle is a penny pincher and his nephews are named after failed, corrupt politicians and Italian gangsters.

I think we can all admit that ducks are a cranky breed, but they are sunshine and daffodils compared to Canadian Geese.  Foul indeed!  They are rude, obnoxious and go wherever they want to go and do whatever they want to do.  From a transportation point-of-view, I’m glad they don’t drive.  From an eating point-of-view, I’m glad they can’t get into all-you-can-eat buffets. If they did, there would be a lot more incidences of road rage in front of  Chinese restaurants.

What I don’t understand about Canadian Geese is they are exact opposite of their human counterparts.  Canadian Citizens are unflappably nice.  They don’t have a rude bone in their bone-chilled bodies.  I bet if you took a Canadian at birth and raised him in the South Bronx, you’d still have the most polite New Yorker unable to hail a cab.  In fact, the only rude thing about a Canadian is an insistence to sometimes speak French.

I wish the Canadian Geese could take the lead from their human counterparts and migrate back to their country at the first sign of the spring.  But no, they got it too easy here, taking advantage of our quaint neighborhood parks and plush golf courses.  And how do they show their appreciation? I can guarantee you they are not contributing to our national economy or adding to the tax base.  Instead, they hog up all the natural resources and push out the natural citizens like wood ducks, mallards and impede any golfer’s ability to make a birdie.

Let’s be honest here.  Canadian Geese are nothing more than panhandlers with no hands.  But instead of begging for loose change, they want whatever you were thinking of eating at the picnic table.  That’s right! Canadian Geese are nothing more than white bread junkies.  I hate walking through a gaggle of them.  They are slow to get out of the way and always give you a look of disgust if you don’t have any Wonder Bread.

The other day a goose hissed at me because I walked by empty handed.  Can you believe it?  Hissed!  I’ve never been hissed at before and that includes a summer internship in India as a snake charmer.

Don’t get me started what Canadian Geese do after they eat all that subsidized bread.  I don’t need to paint a picture for you can’t miss it while tip-toeing through the excrement.  My God, how can any group of animals close down a public beach?  That’s right! Your local beach wasn’t closed down because some mother forgot to change a dirty diaper.  It happened because the Canadian Geese on shore didn’t know how a public restroom works.

It’s time to get serious with these troublemaking ne’er-do-wells.  It’s time to round them up and deport them back to Canada.  It’s time to send them to Edmonton.  It’s time for them to vacate back to Vancouver.  It’s time to toss them to Toronto.  Now is the time to round them up and mush them back to Montreal.

One question:  Anybody know how close a border to an animal of flight?


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