One thought ahead. Three sentences behind.

Senators

 

SENATORS = Members of a government body who pass laws when not being interviewed by CNN

Lately, there’s been plenty of political discussion, and a lot it is coming from a small group of men and women called senators. Since each state elects two senators, I find this group a nice cross section of America. And what I find telling is not who they are or what they believe but their actual names. And since we are a country built by immigrants, it is not surprising many of the names are ethnic.

 

SCOT/IRISH
Mitch McConnell, KY
Claire McCaskill, MO
Patrick Leahy, VT

JEWS
Diane Feinstein, CA
Brian Schatz, HI
Chuck Schumer, NY

 

Myself being half Polish, it’s nice to see Lisa Murkowski representing the great state of Alaska. I’m also a little surprised that there is only one Italian in the senate, John Anthony Barrasso. I also don’t understand why he is representing the state of Wyoming. That’s like a cowpoke setting up shop in Newport, Rhode Island.

Then we have a list of senators whose last names can be considered a profession.

John Tester, MT – Farmer and former music teacher who assigned grades as A minor, B-flat major and C-sharp.

Cory Booker, NJ – Former lawyer who worked part time as travel agent.

Then you have Deb Fischer which is the perfect name for a senator from Maine. But she is a rancher from Nebraska. Maybe Deb should grab her Italian colleague from Wyoming and relocate to the East coast. Re-election not guaranteed.

Then you have the most distinguished Bob Corker from Tennessee. Merriam Webster has two definitions for his last name.

Corker = (a) one that corks containers (b) one that is excellent

Corker is a spot-on name for a senator that is the chairman of the Foreign Relations Committee. After all, you need someone who can keep a lid on classified information. But do you really want a commentator say, “That Corker is a real corker.” Does that even sound like a compliment? Is it better than John Boozman, AR? Is being a boozman even considered a profession? This is the nearest I can find.

Boozer = a person who continually drinks alcohol while perpetually seeking higher office

They are not all Corkers and Boozers in the senate. Some have such great names it’s easy to see why they were elected.

Thad Cochran, MS – Assured and confident name even with the misspelling of Chad.

Chuck Grassley, IA – Chuck has the next-door neighbor feel to it. Grassley is also the perfect name to sponsor the legalization of marijuana.

One of my favorite names in the senate is Roy Blunt from Missouri. His name has Midwest written all over it. It couldn’t be any more plain-spoken. This is the name to cut through the broken promises and empty slogans to give you the unvarnished truth. It would also be the perfect co-sponsor for the marijuana bill.

In politics it’s refreshing to be blunt. It’s probably not good idea to be unintentionally funny, which brings us to our next list.

Tom Carper, DE – Does this name derive from the verb to carp as to complain in an annoying manner? Would the majority leader even let Tom address the chamber?

Mike Crapo, ID – How did this guy get elected? He’s telling you up front how he will do. Seriously, if you were scrolling through a list of dentists, would you stop on this name and say, “I found my new dentist and it looks like Crapo.”

Jeff Flake, AZ – Here’s senator that’s not only going to miss a floor vote there is a good chance he will forget to pick up his dog from the vet.

Dean Heller, NV – You can’t make this one up. First, you have a senator from a state that is technically part of the union but acts more like the brother-in-law who sleeps on your couch. Also, his former profession as a stockbroker has as much ethical fortitude as being a politician. Finally, Heller is in the dictionary.

Heller = a person who behaves badly

Maybe the good citizens of Nevada are so jaded they looked at the name, the former profession and said, “At least we know what we are getting.”

I guarantee you wouldn’t forget Dean’s last name at a cocktail party, unlike this following list of boredom.

 

Ron Johnson, WI
Pat Roberts, KS
Gary Peters, MI
Tim Scott, SC
Mike Lee, UT

 

But by far and wide the most boring name in the senate is Bill Nelson from Florida. Not only is it the most boring name in the senate, it might be the most boring name in the country. By statistical chance you should know at least three Bill Nelson’s if you could just remember the name.

How did someone with such a forgettable name in a state of drug cartels, insurance fraud and Mickey Mouse ever get elected? Bill Nelson is the store manager at a Brevard County Kinko’s. Former Mouseketeer and revoked-license chiropractor Jiminy O’Cain is a senator to truly represent the citizens of the sunshine state.

Finally, it’s time to recognize the best name in the senate. Runner up goes to Marco Rubio from Florida, the Junior Senator to what’s his name again? There is a lot to like about this perfectly balanced name.

 

Five letters in the front
Five letters in the back
Both names end in “O”

 

Nice rhythm. Nice tone. But can you dance to it? Yes you can! If fact, Marco may have the only name that could also be used as comic book superhero: Senator during the day, crime-fighter at night when he isn’t cold-calling for donations.

And the winner by a bluegrass mile is Mazie Hirono from Hawaii. Like Marco, Mazie’s name has a great tone, pace and vibe. Here is a name that can work as a senator or a world class architect. Also, if you do not know this senator, you should read her biography.

Although it’s inspiring to see a first generation immigrant work her way to one of the most power positions in the nation, the reason she is the overall winner is because the state she represents can be found in her last name.

 

Mazie Hirono

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