January – March
Winter. No activity.

 

April 5th
Walking past Lake Hiawatha, I see a Biff worker in his truck next to a porta potty. The ground is muddy and the truck’s spinning wheels are sinking further and further into the earth.

That’s sh*tty.

 

April 7th
Walking around Lake Nokomis, I feel spring in the air.

A jogger shoots past. He’s barefoot and wearing pajamas. He looks like he just woke up and took a wrong turn at the end of the hall.

Is he looking for a porta potty?

 

April 15th
Driving down 38th Street, I see a parade float of the apocalypse: A dump truck with a raised platform where a guy covered in black leather dances wildly to speed metal as barrels of flames shoot into the air.

Flames shooting into the air…

I know the pandemic has been rough, but aren’t the Shriners taking things to the extreme?

 

June 8th
Heading into a corner gas station, I’m cut off by a little old lady driving a vintage Corvette.

Little Red Corvette
Baby, you’re much too old
Little Red Corvette
You almost rolled over my toes

 

June 10th
Walking through the neighborhood, I see a guy in a black pickup truck roll down his window and pitch an empty can of White Claw towards a red dumpster.

Missed! Too drunk.

 

June 12th
Heading to the Palace Theatre, a guy wearing Bermuda shorts and a straw hat bikes past me. Not unusual, except for the black cat on his shoulder and the cat appears to be terrified.

I don’t know if this is bad luck for me, the guy or the cat.

 

June 23rd
Driving on 28th Avenue, I see a vintage pearl-white convertible in my rear-view mirror. I want to get a closer look, so I pull over to let it pass.

The vanity plate reads: MDULOOK

 

June 27th
Walking through the Mall of America, I come across an Amish family with the mother and her three daughters in full-length dresses with crisp bonnets and the father and his two sons wearing clay-colored work shirts with neatly cropped hair.

The juxtaposition of the old world among the latest fashions is striking. But what stands out is how healthy they look: immaculate skin, broad shoulders, tan muscles, an almost ethereal look unencumbered by social media and fast food.

Perhaps something can be said about a simple life built around family, the land and the divine. Still, I am surprised to see them walk into the hookah store.

 

July 30th
Driving through a quiet subdivision, I see a kid in a motorized go-kart zipping past with a pug at his side.

So this is how they walk dogs in the suburbs.

 

August 4th
Looking for parking in a tight lot, I almost hit a little old lady in a red Mitsubishi Mirage.

Swear to God the car looked like an empty parking spot.

 

August 15th
Reading All the King’s Men. The protagonist describes himself as:

… rather tall, somewhat gangly, slightly stooped youth of twenty-one, with a bony horse face, a big almost askew hook of a nose, dark, unkempt hair, dark eyes, big hands and twisted big feet that were inclined to shamble – a youth not beautiful, not brilliant, not industrious, not good, not kind, not even ambitious, given to excesses and confusion, thrown between melancholy and random violence…

Not a great dating profile.

 

August 19th
Still reading All the King’s Men. The romance section at the library is right across from me. One of the titles reads: Tall Dark Deadly Alpha

A much better dating profile.

 

August 21st
Walking around Lake of the Isles with its million-dollar homes, a group of teenagers run past. They are grouped together, probably part of a cross-country team. A few of them slow down to look back.

Are they missing a teammate?

******

I reach a point where the path runs along the lake. A man on a paddle board is on the other side of the iron fence. His rhythmic paddling creates a symbiotic mirror to my walking. We are in sync and there is peace, a peace which is reflected in the name of his paddle board: PAU HANA

I wonder if I can beat him if we race.

******

Three members of the cross-country team run past, this time in the other direction.

Are they still looking for their teammate?

******

I reach the northern part of the lake. The paddle boarder is now out of the water and lugging his board back to the car.

Now I know I can win.

******

I make it back to my car and gaze upon one of the stately manors. Above the portico is a marble frieze looking like a Greek antiquity.  It shows a group of horseback riders in full stride, a few of them are looking back.

Are they too looking for the missing teammate?

 

August 23rd
I see a teenager coming out of a dollar store, practicing his martial art skills. With every jab, block and strike, his white plastic bag flutters in the wind.

No one’s stealing his Cheetos.

 

September 1st
I stop by two bakeries and both are closed: one due to no AC, the other no working stove.

I try to think of a third option and wonder if I have a problem if I’m willing to look for a third bakery.

******

It’s moving day, and within a few blocks I see two trucks: one a dirty U Haul with black Hefty bags pitched into the back; the other, two men carefully ease an 8’ x 10’ oil painting into an immaculate van.

The vast contrast of wealth within a short distance makes me think, “Where can I get a donut?”

******

I find a cinnamon roll and bite into it so quickly cream cheese ends up in my nose.

I do have a problem.

 

September 3rd
Waiting at a stoplight, I see a city bus with its digital sign flashing:

GO VIKINGS!
NOT IN SERVICE!

Got that right!

 

September 8th
Walking around Centennial Lakes for an evening stroll.  I’m behind group of men, moving like a cross-country team that isn’t running. At first, they look like rabbinic scholars discussing the Torah, but as I get closer, I see them as possible businessmen discussing the trades of the week.

One is lagging. It looks like a brisk walk is too much for his constitution. There is a hitch to his step.

Darwin in motion, I think, until one of the guys slows down to put his arm around his associate.

Nice to see.

 

September 9th
Heading to The Fillmore for a show.  Ahead of me are two young kids. They are arguing and I don’t want any part of the discussion. So I hustle past until one asks a question.

“Should I share my slushie, yes or no?”

Both of them have their hands on the beverage.

“Yes.”

“A little or a lot?”

“A little.”

One of the better street surveys.

 

September 20th
At a McDonald’s parking lot enjoying a beverage. Across the street is a senior living facility with a gentleman pushing a walker along the sidewalk until he reaches the property line.

For a moment it looks like he’s going to climb a steep hill, which I don’t recommend when using a walker. Instead, he lifts the seat of the walker and grabs something from a small compartment.

Perhaps he is taking a break and in need of a power drink.  Instead, he sits down on the walker and lights up a cigarette.

No Senior Olympics this year.

 

October 31st
Walking down the sidewalk, I see a bumper sticker on the back of a Toyota Prius. It reads:

What would Scooby Do?

Shouldn’t it read: What would Scooby-Doo Do, which is exactly what a dog would do.

 

November 1st
At Dave & Buster’s watching my brother, Chris, play “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” He is in the hunt for the grand prize when I hear a sharp and explosive “F*CK!”

I turn my head and see a forty-year-old man storming away from one of the games.

Probably a professional gambler getting away from work by gambling.

 

November 2nd
Drying my hands in the restroom at the Fine Line, I read etched on the electric dryer:

Dryers help protect the environment.
They save trees from being used for paper towels.
They eliminate paper towel waste.
They are more sanitary to use.
They help maintain cleaner facilities.

After reading all this, my hands are still wet.

 

November 4th
Standing in line at Starbucks with two girls behind me. They are half my size and a quarter my age. One girl has a reusable beverage container the size of an oil drum.

That’s a lot of Sumatra.

 

November 5th
At a park tossing the frisbee with Chris. It’s a fine Sunday afternoon and we are the only ones in the park, which is odd, but not unusual when the NFL takes over the airwaves.

Suddenly, a scream. I look across the street and see four young girls on a blacktop driveway bashing pumpkins with aluminum bats.

Looks like the Vikings just lost.*

 

November 9th
Driving through the Galleria parking lot, I spot an Iowa license plate all in black. No state colors, no motto, no rows of corn, instead a color representing the endless void of a soulless universe.

Care to revise your statement Mr. Costner?

 

November 22nd
It’s a cold and windy day. I’m driving through a half barren Target parking lot when I see a woman trudging through the expansive blacktop with a set of golf clubs.

An odd sight considering the nearest golf course is two miles away and closed for the season. Still, I let her play through.

 

November 24th
Black Friday! I’m walking through the Mall of America with an endless parade of shoppers. In front of me is a group of five. I know they are together because of their dress, formation and gait. Their clothing is worn, their hands rugged, and a few have a hitch to their step. They are congenial with their banter and in a sea of shoppers, only one bag is being carried between them. The name on the bag: Lindt Chocolate.

My kind of people.

******

My walk takes me to a room filled with artificial Christmas trees. Each tree is sponsored by a merchant and each merchant has a raffle box next to the tree.

For example, a fast-food restaurant is raffling holiday decorations, gift cards and three days of indigestion.  A local builder is raffling office stationary, tiny hardhats and a free faucet for every $200K kitchen remodel. Then there is the Mall of America Security Team with prizes ranging from assistance in locating a misplaced car, free pat-downs and a gift card worth fifteen minutes of shoplifting at participating stores.

Hello Lindt Chocolate!

 

* The Vikings actually won.