January

Winter. No activity.  

February 1st

Walking around Lake Nokomis. A nice day. Quiet.  So quiet I hear the heavy thud of footsteps from behind.  Before I can turn my head, a jogger passes, his gait lumbering, the back of his neon-green shirt containing two words: RUTABAGA FEST

If there was a vegetable I would use to describe his run, that would be it.  

February 7th

Driving down a country road, I see a sign stretched across a field: FARMING IS BELIEVING IN THE FUTURE

I like that.

*****

Further down the road I pull into the town of Rollingstone.

How does it feel?
With one bar in town
And no traffic around
Holy Trinity a psalm
Bonnie Rae’s opens at dawn

*****

Reach my favorite town on the Mississippi and head into a McDonald’s where The Clash is playing through the overhead speakers.  

Red Wing calling to Minnesota towns
Traffic not bad on Highway 61
Red Wing calling to the shopping world
Should I buy leather boots or a jug for hooch?

February 12th

Heading into Southdale Mall, I see an expensive Land Rover in a handicap spot.

Looks like a Park Over.

February 15th

Walking at the Mall of America.  There is a couple in front of me.  The girlfriend is wearing a pair of Bea Mary Janes, the boyfriend sporting Tasman Lugs. Between them is a shopping bag, the twine handles being held like the bag is their toddler.  

If I had to pick a word to describe the moment, it would be the word on the shopping bag.

February 17th 

At the Mall of America in the middle of a power walk.  A window display catches my eye.

Good luck getting through TSA, mannequin!  

March 20th

Washing my hands at a public restroom, I see a sign taped to the mirror: WASH YOUR HANDS LIKE YOU JUST CUT HABANEROS AND HAVE TO TAKE OUT YOUR CONTACTS.

Why stop there?  Why not add: WHILE SWIMMING IN A TANK OF SHARKS THAT LOVE HABANEROS. 

March 21st

Walking to the neighborhood grocery store, I see an older gentleman pulling into the parking lot.  On the bumper of his vintage Saturn, a sticker.

Looks like Rip Van Winkle may want to go back to bed.

April 5th

At a park tossing the frisbee to my brother, Chris.  The park is full, but I keep seeing the same girl walking back and forth, once with a dog, then without.

I wonder what kind of conversation led to their separation.  

DOG:  I gotta meet this guy. Make yourself scarce, Doll.

GIRL:  Oh, Archie.  Be careful.  I’m getting too old for this.

DOG:  I promise you, Buttercup, this is it.  Once I get my paws under me, I’m on the straight and narrow.  

GIRL:  Oh, I hope so.  [BEGINS TO SCRATCH ARCHIE’S CHIN] Who’s a good boy?  Who’s a good boy?

DOG: I’m trying.  

*****

A half hour goes by and Chris and I are still tossing the frisbee.  Now there is a family on the scene with a son and daughter stuck climbing a tree.  The mother is trying her best to reach them.  And the father?  Did he slip away to meet a certain dog?

April 8th

Listening to the news in my car.  They are talking about the artificial sweetener Saccharine and how its original purpose was to be an additive to the tar found in asphalt.  

Delicious! 

April 13th

It’s a beautiful Sunday and Chris and I are walking on a path that encircles a park.  In the field are a man and woman working with an Australian sheepdog.  With a whistle and hand gestures, the dog sprints and stops to await the next command.  

I’m so drawn to the masterful display I don’t even notice two kids on electric scooters shooting past, one missing Chris by a matter of inches.  

The woman yells at her kids and the kids seem somewhat mortified. 

 Maybe the kids could take commands in the field while the sheepdog takes a spin around the park.  

April 15th

At the Fine Line to see James McMurtry.  Two women are behind me as one says to the other: “I’m going to grab a water and look for my friend.”

Not as exciting as: “I’m going to get another margarita and ditch my husband.”

May 6th

Finish reading a couple articles about two species living in New York City.  Decide which is from Her Town by Brock Colyar and Pigeon Toes by Ian Frazier. 

Excerpt A: They move through the neighborhood in packs, wearing the local uniform: a white tank, light-wash jeans, and Sambas, an iced matcha latte in hand.

Excerpt B: They fly through their neighborhood in packs, wearing the local uniform:  a Gabriela Hearst Cardigan, Cartier sunglasses and a Louis Vuitton Pochette, perfect for storing breadcrumbs. 

May 19th

Sitting in my car at a McDonald’s parking lot, I see a highway patrol car box-in another vehicle.  Then, three children are loaded into the back seat while the mother films the event on her smartphone.  

I see two options.

Option A: The mother had it with her kids and framed them with some felony involving a Happy Meal.

Option B: The highway patrolman is running a mobile (off-the-books) daycare service.  

May 21st

Walking with Chris at Southdale Mall for it’s a cold and rainy day.  We are not the only ones inside.  In a long hallway that connects the mall to the cineplex an elderly couple runs a sheltie through a set of tricks.  

I am drawn to the masterful display, but this time I keep an eye out for any electric scooters.

May 22nd

Walking through downtown, I’m about to cross an intersection except there are two pigeons in my way. One is muy gordo.

Good luck fitting into your cardigan, pigeon!  

May 25th

Tossing the frisbee with Chris at a baseball diamond, I see a sign posted in front of the dugout.  

At least the kids can still chew tobacco.  

June 4th

Driving along Minnehaha Parkway, I see two unusual items in a front yard.  

Item A: a massive cloud of a dog lounging in the grass.  

Item B: a full human skeleton sitting on the front steps.

Is this what happens to homeowners who have to feed a dog the size of a small horse?

 June 13th

Walking around Lake Harriet on a murky day.  I try to keep a quick pace to avoid the oncoming raindrops. Still, I’m passed by a guy dressed all in black.  He is wearing an athletic outfit, but the top looks like a leather jacket and the pants designer jeans.  

Is this what aging rock stars wear when exercising? 

June 14th

Walking through the Stone Arch Bridge Festival.  A couple behind me are in the middle of a discussion as the woman says, “I don’t mean to be critical…”

I think she does.

June 15th

Tossing the frisbee to Chris at a neighborhood park.  Between us floats a Monarch butterfly.  

One butterfly. 

There should be more.   

June 21st

Listening to the song “Sister Soul” which has the actor Wendell Pierce (Treme, The Wire) running through a list of attributes for each zodiac sign.  

For example: Taurus. Good taste. Sensual. Down to earth. Pleasure seeker, but stubborn.  Dynamic.  Many talents.  Likes games.  Two-fisted.  Mysterious…

Then my sign:  Cancer…..  It’s all that needs to be said……   Cancer……

What?  How can that be it?  What does Wendell know that I don’t know about Cancer…?  

June 25th

Driving down 34th Avenue, I see a couple leaving a coffee shop to dash across the street to a liquor store.  

Taking two-fisted drinking to the next level.

July 1st

Drinking a blueberry-lemon infused water.  Under the ingredients is a list of non-ingredients:  … free of sugar, sweeteners, MSG, nuts, soy, gluten and preservatives.

Why stop there?  Why not add: …  also no motor oil, broken glass, assorted nails and actual juice from the fruits listed on the bottle.

July 2nd

It’s a steamy day and two Mormon Missionaries have taken refuge in a local library.  One of them is on a computer playing chess.  

I thought it would have been Grand Theft Auto. 

July 3rd 

Waiting at a stoplight in my car.  A guy with unkempt hair is vaping in a Honda next to me.  

Not so Fit.  

 July 4th

Driving down Highway 62.  In the distance a squadron of vintage planes fly in formation.  In front of me a food truck with two words on the back:  CHEESE CURDS

Must be Independence Day.

July 6th

Driving down Highway 169, I see a cherry-red Corvette pull alongside a vintage black one.  Before it continues down the road the red Vette wiggles back and forth and the black Vette returns the greeting.

It’s so rare to see such an intimate mating ritual performed on a major highway.     

August 2nd

Walking through the neighborhood on a quiet Saturday.  Across the street from New Branches Church is a spiraling oak completely denuded of leaves.  

Sinner!  

August 4th

A local roaster, Peace Coffee, makes deliveries by bike.  That’s why I’m surprised to see their delivery person pull into a competitor’s parking lot.  

Traitor!  

August 10th

Walking through a grocery store parking lot, a Cybertruck blocks my way.  The owner waves me to cross, but I have reservations considering the number of recalls of a vehicle that looks like it was calved from an iceberg.  

August 11th

Driving down the road, I see a small sticker on the bumper of a car in front of me. The sticker has three symbols:  = > ÷ 

I like that.  

August 14th

Driving through downtown Edina, I see two cops, stuffed on quesadillas, lumbering out of Pajarito.  

Good luck fitting into your uniforms, officers.  

August 15th

Walking along the Minnehaha Creek.  Biking towards me is a middle-aged guy wearing a birthday cone.  Behind him are his elderly parents, both wearing bike helmets. Behind the parents is the guy’s wife, wearing no party favor or helmet.  

It’s just as they prophesied:  The birthday boy will lead and the Queen of Dairy shall serve.

August 17th

Walking down Bryant Avenue, I see a sign in a front yard.

This warning should come with some dating profiles. 

August 19th

Washing my hands in the restroom at the Armory, I see a guy utilizing two hand dryers, one for each hand.  

Taking two-fisting drying to the next level.  

August 24th

Watching a news segment about a dog who retrieves foul balls at baseball games.  

Looks like all the pitches are going to be spitballs.  

August 25th

Walking down Cosgrove Street at the Minnesota State Fair, I see an elderly woman pushing her wheelchair, and in her wheelchair is a year’s supply of Henry’s Kettle Corn.  

Mission Accomplished! 

September 24th

Pumping gas at a corner station.  A woman parks on the other side of the pump and heads into the adjacent liquor store.  

At least she didn’t park in front of the liquor store and try to get gas. 

October 2nd

At First Ave watching Low Cut Connie.  A guy wearing a Hamm’s T-shirt and drinking a Hamm’s tallboy walks past me to get another Hamm’s beer.  

Super Fan!  

October 4th

Standing at an intersection in downtown Minneapolis waiting for the light to turn green.  A guy in a U-Haul is also at the stoplight. For some reason he is squealing the back tires like he’s about to race Vin Diesel. 

Getting his $19.95 an hour’s worth?  

October 5th

Walking along the Minnehaha Creek.  The gentleman in front of me is sporting an unusual outfit for fall:  salmon colored shorts, a subdued Hawaiian shirt and a Panama fedora.  

Is this a sign of global warming or did the guy skip laundry day?  

October 6th

Pull into a parking spot in downtown Hopkins.  Across the street is the Little Blind Spot which I can see as clear as day.

October 11th

Walking along the Minnehaha Creek, I see seven adults scooting along on seven electric scooters.  All of them are wearing flannel shirts.  

First sign of fall.  

October 13th

Heading into Cub Foods, I see an elderly woman in a wheelchair being pushed by her son.  In her lap is a twenty-pound pumpkin.  

The smile on her face makes my day.  

October 18th

Walking past a senior living co-op.  An elderly lady in a wheelchair is rolling towards me. In her lap is a sign:  NO KINGS

Never too old to get into some good trouble.  

November 2nd

Driving behind a car that’s moooving slooooow.  In the back window are two stickers: NEW DRIVER and BABY ON BOARD

They call me Baby Driver
And once upon a pair of wheels
I hit the road to block the flow
Cause my feet couldn’t reach the pedals

November 3rd

Walking through Minnehaha Falls Park, I see a toddler (with the help of his mom) pouring a can of Hawaiian Punch into a sippy cup.  

Most connoisseurs prefer the drink this way.  

November 27th

Doing some last minute Thanksgiving shopping at Cub Foods. A guy on an electric scooter rolls past.  In his cart, a vast array of Hot Wheels. 

Getting a jump on the next holiday. 

November 28th

Putting in my steps at the Mall of America, which might not be the smartest thing to do on Black Friday.  But there is people watching…

7:07pm:  See a tiny Yorkshire Terrier doing its business.  At least the owner put a diaper on the dog.   Still, I wonder if the guy knows he is in front of a Parisian Cafe where he can pick up a crêpe after his dog takes a… 

7:35pm:  Walking past The Barnes and Noble and see a kid sitting on the floor reading A Fool’s Errand.  

A fitting title for Black Friday.  

7:45pm:  Walking by Wetzel’s Pretzels and see:

I’d rather STAY FROSTY at Shake Shack. 

8:00pm:  Walk past Zale’s as they begin to lower the gate.  

Makes sense. Why stay open on the busiest day of the year?  

8:08pm:  Reach the second level and see an upcoming exhibit:

Is that really the right adjective, Vatican? 

8:31pm:  Reach the third level and see a young girl sitting on a bench.  In her lap is a stuffed bunny.   

Really getting a jump on a holiday.  

8:40pm:  A guy is walking towards me, wearing a Christmas sweater that says: MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FILTHY ANIMAL.  

Almost in the holiday spirit.

8:50pm:  Walking behind a father and daughter.  They are holding hands and carrying cotton candy creations from Oppa Sweets.

That’s the spirit!  

8:55pm:  Walking past Nordstroms.  In the window display is an array of children’s Christmas sweaters.  One has a dinosaur wearing a Santa hat with a caption that reads:  MERRY REXMAS!

Filthy animal!