One thought ahead. Two sentences behind.

Jokes On Me – That’s Questionable

CROSSROADS

 

HANK:  Hey Hal, why is your chicken crossing the road?

HAL:  Looks like it’s trying to get to the other side.

HANK:  That’s comedic gold. How did you come up with that?

HAL:  Well, I used the powers of observation.

HANK:  That’s great.  You should be in Vegas. Why are you still on this porch?

HAL:  Well, I’d like to see where my chicken is off to.

HANK:  Genius!

 

Why did the fork cross the road?

It didn’t.  It stopped in the middle.

 

Why did the spoon follow?

It was looking for a scoop.

 

Why did the knife arrive?

To complete the place setting.

 

Why did the sun cross the road?

It was afternoon.

 

Why did the tumbleweed cross the road?

What choice did it have?

 

Why did the stop sign cross the road?

It didn’t like following instructions.

 

Why did the road cross the road?

It was at an intersection.

 

Why did the tortoise cross the road?

We’ll soon find out.

 

Why did the ant cross the road?

Did it?

 

Why did the bird cross the road?

It was  a lark.

 

And the bear?

It had a berry good reason.

 

Why did the deer cross the road?

To play with the antelope.

 

Why did the aardvark cross the road?

It was looking for that ant.

 

Did the tortoise make it across?

It’s talking to the fork.

 

Why didn’t the cow cross the road?

It wasn’t in the mood.

 

And the horse?

It wasn’t feeling neighborly.

 

Why did the shark cross the road?

It was on its bucket list.

 

And the kangaroo?

Why should deer and antelope have all the fun?

 

Why did the siphonaptera cross the road?

It wanted to flea.

 

Why did the locust cross the road?

To start a plague.

 

Why did the snake double-cross the road?

That’s what snakes do.

 

Did the tortoise finally make it?

It did.

 

Why did it cross?

To give the ant a lift.

 

 

KNOCK IT OFF

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Maintenance to fix your doorbell.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Earl.

Earl Lee?

No, I’m right on time.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Lima Bean.

Nobody’s home.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Lettuce.

Take that Lima Bean and leaf.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Crack.

Crack who?

Jimmy Crack Corn.

I don’t care.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you going to let me in?

Depends.  Is that lima bean still hanging around?

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Euro.

Euro who?

You’re ol’ pal Sal.

I don’t have your twenty dollars.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Yoga.

Yoga who?

Yo gonna have my twenty dollars by Friday?

Depends.  Can you loan me forty today?

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Sam.

Sam who?

No Wu.

What?

Sam Wu.  I’m your neighbor.

Where?

Three homes down.  Next to the Gilmore’s.

Why?

Why am I here? You gotta keep it down.  With all this knocking, my wife can’t sleep.

 

 

 

HOW NOW

 

How many Mormon’s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Did you say screw?

 

How many Amish do you need to screw in a light bulb?

Is that a trick question?

 

How many Amish do you need to raise a barn?

Can I add a Shaker?

 

How many bulbs must a man replace before you can call him a handyman?

 

How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Talk to their union rep.

 

How many Dali lamas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They have somebody on staff to do that.

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Objection!

Overruled!

Your Honor, my profession is not on trial.

Your objection has been noted. Now please answer the question.

With all due respects, no questions on the bar exam were related to the mechanical sciences.

Whether the question is germane to your profession is not pertinent to the question at hand.

But the question has no bearing on this case. I request it be struck from the record.

I’m warning you counselor.

I mean no disrespect, your honor.  But to ask how many in my profession it takes to replace a light bulb is to ask how many Swiss watchmakers it takes to milk a Belgian cow.

The members of the jury will disregard the last statement.

Why not just ask how many ducks it takes to assist a brain surgeon?

The court is confident it takes at least four quacks to assist a neurosurgeon. The question that remains is the one you persistently refuse to answer.

May I approach the bench?

Will it be with a light bulb?

Pardon the pun, your honor, but this is not a question to be taken lightly. Are we talking fluorescent, incandescent or halogen?  Is it a simple bulb above a bathroom mirror or is it a suspended linear luminaire in a factory warehouse?  Are the lawyers able to bill by the hour or is it by the light bulb? I would at the very least like to review Graham v Tesla before responding.

I see no reason why we cannot take an early lunch.  Court will adjourn until 2pm.  Counselor, I would like to see you in my chamber.  I’d like your opinion on how many in your profession would it take to deliver lunch to the jurors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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