One thought ahead. Two sentences behind.

Jokes On Me – That’s Questionable

CROSSROADS

 

HANK:  Hey Hal, why is your chicken crossing the road?

HAL:  Looks like it’s trying to get to the other side.

HANK:  That’s comedic gold. How did you come up with that?

HAL:  Well, I used the powers of observation.

HANK:  That’s great.  You should be in Vegas.  Why are you still on this porch?

HAL:  Well, I’d like to see where my chicken is off to.

HANK:  Genius!

 

Why did the fork stop in the middle of the road?

To give drivers options.

 

Why did the spoon arrive?

It was looking for a scoop.

 

Why did the knife follow?

To complete the place setting.

 

Why did the sun cross the road?

It was after noon.

 

Why did the tumbleweed cross the road?

What choice did it have?

 

Why did the road cross the road?

It was at an intersection.

 

Why did the bird cross the road?

For a lark.

 

The bear?

It had a berry good reason.

 

The deer?

To play with the antelope.

 

The cow?

In the moooood.

 

The horse?

Feeling neeeeighborly.

 

The shark?

On its bucket list.

 

And the kangaroo?

Why should deer and antelope have all the fun?

 

Why did the siphonaptera cross the road?

It wanted to flea.

 

Why did the locust cross the road?

To start a plague.

 

Why did the snake double-cross the road?

That’s what snakes do.

 

 

KNOCK IT OFF

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Maintenance to fix your doorbell.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Earl.

Earl Lee?

No, I’m on time.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Lima Bean.

Nobody’s home.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Lettuce.

Take that Lima Bean and leaf.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Crack.

Crack who?

Jimmy Crack Corn.

I don’t care.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you going to let me in?

Depends.  Is that lima bean still hanging around?

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Euro.

Euro who?

You’re ol’ pal Sal.

I don’t have your twenty dollars.

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Yoga.

Yoga who?

Yo gonna have my twenty dollars by Friday?

Depends.  Can you loan me forty today?

 

Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Sam.

Sam who?

No Wu.

What?

Sam Wu.  I’m your neighbor.

Where?

Three houses down.  Next to the Gilmore’s.

Why?

Why am I here? You gotta keep it down.  With all this knocking, my wife can’t sleep.

 

 

HOW NOW

 

How many Mormon’s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Did you say screw?

 

How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Is that a trick question?

 

How many bulbs must a man replace before you can call him a handyman?

 

How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Talk to their union rep.

 

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Objection!

Overruled!

Your Honor, my profession is not on trial.

Your objection has been noted. Now please answer the question.

With all due respects, no questions on the bar exam were related to the mechanical sciences.

Whether the question is germane to your profession is not pertinent to the question at hand.

But the question has no bearing on this case.

I’m warning you counselor.

I mean no disrespect, your honor.  But to ask how many in my profession it takes to replace a light bulb is to ask how many Swiss watchmakers it takes to milk a Belgian cow.

The members of the jury will disregard the last statement.

May I approach the bench?

Will it be with a light bulb?

Pardon the pun, your honor, but this is not a question to be taken lightly.  Are we talking fluorescent, incandescent or halogen?  Is it a simple bulb above a bathroom mirror or is it a suspended linear luminaire in a factory warehouse?  Are the lawyers able to bill by the hour or by the bulb?  I would at the very least like to review Graham v Tesla before responding.

I see no reason why we cannot take an early lunch.  Court will adjourn until 2pm.  Counselor, I would like to see you in my chamber.  I’d like your opinion on how many in your profession would it take to deliver lunch to the jurors.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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