One thought ahead. Two sentences behind.

Sayings

 

Intro

Democracy dies in the dark.
Washington Post

I can’t see a thing with these new glasses.
George Washington

 

State MottoEs

Gold and Silver
Montana

Visa or Mastercard?
Delaware

Live free or die
New Hampshire

Ice cream soothes oppression
Vermont

Work conquers all
Oklahoma

Union, Justice and Etouffee
Louisiana

With God all things are possible
Ohio

Nothing without the deity – marijuana
Colorado

Eureka!
California

Spring Break!
Florida

 

LUCK

Break a leg = good luck in English.

In the mouth of the wolf = good luck in Italian.

 

I’m pretty sure that fracturing your ulna is the opposite of good luck. Also, has anyone fighting off a pack of wolves, said, “I’m the luckiest person that’s ever lived!”? There is no fortune lying in a hospital bed with a plastered leg. There is no positive outcome when one is in the grips of a wild dog. Do people offering these well wishes mean the exact opposite? Are they the understudies who secretly hope the leads do in fact injure themselves so they can go on stage and regale the audience with their interpretation of King Lear or Lady Macbeth?

 

Romance

Love is blind.
Look before you leap.
Fools rush in.

 

If you are blind with love, how are you going to be able to look before you leap? Best to dash forward and hope for the best. Anyway, divorce gets easier the third time around.

 

Money

Money doesn’t grow on trees.
Money is the root of all evil.

 

If money is in the roots, is it not possible that it can sprout leaves? Evil or not, I would grab a few on my way to the store.

 

Timing

Early bird gets the worm.
You snooze you lose!

 

Are you really losing if you don’t get a worm? If a bird is up early, why not get a table at Denny’s? Why settle for some slimy thing that has been crawling in the dirt the whole night?  Get pancakes you dumb bird.

 

College Mottoes

Despite hazards, move forward.
Seton Hall University

Please do not block the fire escape.
Lawrence Hall University

Boldly, Happily, Faithfully!
University of Louisiana at Lafayette

Clambakes!
Bayou University

To Persevere and to Excel!
New York University

Master PowerPoint in 22 days!
Denton Technical College

I Lift My Eyes to the Mountains.
University of North Carolina at Asheville

All I See Is Corn.
University of North Dakota at Rugby

Truth!
Providence College

No Money Down!
Staten Island Night School

We all become brothers under the laws of Minerva.
Union College

We all miss class when partying with Bacchus.
Independence University

 

Animals

There is more than one way to skin a cat.

Can’t swing a dead cat…

Curiosity killed the cat.

 

Did someone really sit around thinking of different ways to skin a cat? Why do you even need to skin a cat? Why skin a cat when there is a perfectly good opossum just sitting right there, neither curious nor having a tail that you can much swing.

Why so many bon mots involving a feline’s demise? Why no canine sayings like: Dumb as a dachshund.  A drunk bloodhound hunts in circles.  And a Pomeranian on a leash is worth less than anything you can find at the Dollar Store.

 

Elephant in the room

Bull in a China shop

 

If there is an elephant in a room, I can assure you that the elephant will dominate the conversation. There will be no need to discreetly take someone aside and say, “I know you are really having a problem with that cat on the chaise lounge. But shouldn’t we talk about the elephant rooting up the wet bar?”

Also, letting bulls shop in any store is a bad for business no matter their credit limit. But if you do let one in the door, don’t say anything remotely sounding like “You break! You buy!”

 

Don’t kill the goose that laid the golden egg.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.

 

I’m pretty sure if any animal (even a cat) starts producing gold the last thing you’re going to say is: “I’m going to kill that thing.”

Who was this saying for? Was there a group idiots so beyond the basic rules of comprehension that they spent their days continually counting chickens that weren’t there; that when presented with a free horse, their first response was: “Let me look at its mouth”; that when given a moneymaking bird said, “I heard money grows on trees. Why do I need a gold-pooping goose?”

 

Happy as a clam

Then Lord said onto the clam, “Since ye shall have a rudimentary nervous system, ask for only one emotion.”

And the clam said unto the Lord, “If I will be unable to move, spending my days on the floor of a deep and dark ocean, let me be as happy as a lark, who I might add is able to soar to highest mountains, rest on the tallest trees and poop in my ocean.”

And the Lord said unto the clam, “Jealousy, it is.”

 

The Stars Have Aligned

How would you even know they are in order? Is there some celestial map you can reference? Or is it like reading tea leaves, more of a feel? Try it some night. No better yet. Try this. Which are stars are in alignment: Example A or Example B?

 

The devil is in the details

Does that mean that crossing your “T’s” and dotting your “I’s” is somehow a satanic ritual? Are accountants the minions of the Great Underlord? Are corporate attorneys soulless agents of the Dark Prince? Are we all cast to eternal damnation when seeking financial advice?

Maybe details should be left to the Dutch. After all, they so far have prevented their country from sinking into the ocean. That must count for something. So, the next time you meet with your tax attorney use this axiom: “Dutch the details and find me a golden goose with these receipts.”

 

At the end of the day

Has anyone ever said “At the end of the day” at the end of the day? Should we not wait for the end of the day before reflecting on it? And if we cannot wait that long, maybe we should start off a news conference with:

 

YOU: Here at midday all I can say is an answer will be forthcoming.

PRESS 1: And when will that be?

YOU: At night, when I’m at home, in my pj’s, brushing my teeth.

PRESS 1: Will you hold a press conference then.

YOU: I will ask the press to extend a modicum of privacy.

PRESS 2: Will there be a press conference the following morning?

YOU: “In the dawn of the day” doesn’t carry much reflection, does it?

PRESS 1: This is nothing but a dog and pony show.

YOU: Have I not promised to never gift a horse whose mouth may be in need of braces?

PRESS 2: And yet you obfuscate, disassemble and parry.

YOU: I don’t want to get ahead of my skis, especially if they are on backwards.

PRESS 3: All we are doing is going around in circles.

YOU: No, we are not drunk bloodhounds, but stars yet to align.

PRESS 2: And when will that be?

YOU: When we no longer find fault in one another.

PRESS 1: The public has the right to know your views.

YOU: Wanting apples doesn’t get any of us oranges.

PRESS 1: So, the charade continues?

YOU: I know you feel down and out, but I implore you not to throw in the towel. I promise never to do an end-around by moving the goal posts. I welcome a full court press from all you Monday morning quarterbacks. This political football is a sticky wicket. So let’s roll up our sleeves, push the ball over the goal line so our Hail Mary won’t take a nose dive but can win by a nose.

Now, if you will excuse me. I have a floor vote.

PRESS 3: Saved by the bell.

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