Bric-a-Brac
SEE DICTIONARY
cowflap – see cowflop
cowflop – see cowpat
cowpat – see cowplop
cowplop – cowpie, cowcakes… Get it now?
cowcakes – You seriously haven’t figured it out? You are a real cowdoot!
cowdoot – Quit looking up these words you cowflap!
cowflap – see cowflop
INSPIRATIONALLY INSPIRED
Stick with your New Year’s resolution until it no longer feels new.
Be the protractor in your life. Let others be the compass.
Open a new door every day. Do not to trip the alarm.
Always be the first to apologize that you have to apologize.
BUMPER STICKER BUMBLE
NOBODY’S BERFECT.
KEEP YOUR THEOLOGY OFF MY DOG.
DON’T BLAME ME. I FORGOT TO VOTE.
HOW’S MY DRIVING? WHAT’S THAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.
MY KID WILL ONE DAY WORK FOR YOUR HONOR STUDENT.
NOVEL REDUX
OLIVER TWIST AND SHOUT
THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN. THE REST ARE IN HELL.
A TALE OF TWO CITIES: CLEVELAND AND DETROIT.
BRIGHT LIGHTS, CHEAP CURTAINS: SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE.
THE KITE SEGUEWAYER
IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO EAT A COSTCO CAKE.
TO KILL A GRACKLE
LAST OF THE MOHICAN JACKPOT
THE SCARLET ANKLE BRACELET
CATCHER IN THE RYE, HOLD THE MAYO
CLASSIFIED ADS
LOST
SOLITAIRE DIAMOND RING
ONE KARAT
FAMILY HEIRLOOM
ALSO MISSING: SON-IN-LAW
5’ 4’’
SCRUFFY
TWO MAYBE RELATED
LOST
80 POUND LABRADOR
CHESTNUT COLORED
FLIGHTY
DO NOT APPROACH
DO NOT INTRODUCE TO AMWAY
IF SPOTTED CALL NUMBER
DO NOT EXPOSE TO ANY PYRAMID SCHEMES
PAINTER NEEDED
MUST BE A SELF STARTER
MUST PAINT ON BACK (CEILING WORK)
MUST PAINT FAST (AL FRESCO)
RELIGIOUS KNOWLEDGE A MUST
DEMANDING EMPLOYER
PAYMENT THROUGH INDULGENCES
VENITIANS NEED NOT APPLY
GUARD DOG NEEDED
GERMANS PREFERRED
BELGIUMS ACCEPTABLE
MUST CARRY OWN INSURANCE
MUST BE ABLE TO TRAVEL (IN BAGGAGE)
SQUIRREL CHASING NOT ALLOWED ON DUTY
CHIHUAHUAS NEED NOT APPLY
FOR SALE
SOLITAIRE DIAMOND RING
ONE KARAT
PROVIDENCE UNKNOWN
PRICE NEGOTIABLE
BARTERING PREFERRED
WILL TRADE FOR JET SKI
WARNING LABEL
- Folding chair not for commercial use
- Do not refer to as a “chair” in mixed company
- Do not stand on to look over your neighbor’s fence
- Do not exceed recommended weight (weight TBD)
- If used for more than two hours, seek a sofa
- Use as a wrestling prop is acceptable
- Not recommended for directors filming more than two months
REJECTED STATE SLOGANS
CONNECTICUT: ALMOST TO NEW YORK
NORTH DAKOTA: CANADA’S LITTLE BROTHER
NEW JERSEY: LAND OF DISENCHANTMENT
VIRGINA: THE SLIM AND LOW-TAR STATE
DELAWARE: YOU BREAK YOU BUY
COLORADO: THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS, STILL HIGH
NEW MEXICO: NO ES NUEVO
FLORIDA JACKPOT WINNERS
CASSIE from Opa-locka won $3,422.00 playing Cash Express. She plans on using the money to buy back her pawned flat screen TV and dining room set.
STEVE from Hialeah was the big winner on Top Dollar, winning a $5,462.00 after investing $7,432.00.
TONY from Bee Ridge won $1,200.00 playing Rockin’ Olives. He hopes it will cover his bar bill.
CHARLOTTE from Chula Vista won an astounding $72,033.00 on the 5XPay’s progressive. She could not contain her elation and hopes her husband Bill still makes good on his promise to move out.
BILL also from Chula Vista was the big winner on the bad beat, claiming a payout of $56,456.00. His only comment: “Can we keep this out of the newsletter?”
REJECTED T-SHIRTS SLOGANS
I’M WITH ME
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS ENDS UP IN COUNSELING
I’M FUNNIER THAN THIS T-SHIRT
I KNOW KUNG FU (WRITTEN PORTION)
FORTUNE FLAVORS THE BLAND
NEVER NOT USE A DOUBLE NEGATIVE
KEEP CALM, BLAME RON
ODE TO SILENCE
Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam
And the deer and the antelope play
Where seldom is heard but stepping on a turd
Man, I just bought these boots!
Home on the Commode
All is quiet on New Year’s Day
A world in white gets under way
I want to be with you be with you night and day
Will Monday work…? Tuesday?
How about Friday between 1 and 2pm?
New Year’s Day Won’t Work
On a Sunday morning sidewalk
I’m wishing, Lord, that I was stoned
Cause there’s something in weekend road construction
That makes the body want to toke
Sunday Morning Too Loud
At my window sad and lonely
Off time do I think of thee
Sad and lonely and I wonder
Should I trim the sycamore tree?
Yard work Yuk
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People you paid good money for this concert
Can you please quiet down and listen to my poignant lyrics?
Sound of Chatter
FIRST LINES
The name is Ishmael, but you can call me Shelly.
Moby Duck
It was the best of times. Who am I kidding? It was miserable.
Tale of Two Cities: Cleveland and Detroit
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a Swiss banker.
Pride and Prudence
It was a dark and stormy night. I wish I had paid the electric bill.
Paul Clifford, Apt 1A
I am a sick man . . . I am a spiteful man. What choice do I have being Russian?
Complaints from the Underground
He was an old man who fished alone in a skiff in the Gulf Stream and he had gone eighty-four days now without using sunscreen.
The Old Man and the Really Dark Tan
NINE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES
Nine Supreme Court Justices sitting on the bench.
One was unappointed.
Then there were eight.
Eight Supreme Court Justices sitting on the bench.
One held a law degree from the Bahamas.
Then there were seven.
Seven Supreme Court Justices sitting on the bench.
One wanted to telecommute.
Then there were six.
Six Supreme Court Justices sitting on the bench.
One was actually Canadian.
Then there were five.
Five Supreme Court Justices sitting on the bench.
One started wearing a wizard hat.
Then there was four.
Four Supreme Court Justices sitting on the bench.
One vlogged during oral arguments.
Then there was three.
Three Supreme Court Justices sitting on the bench.
One endorsed Nike’s new dry-fit robe.
Then there were two.
Two Supreme Court Justices sitting on the bench.
One never woke from a nap.
Then there was one.
One Supreme Court Justice sitting on the bench.
The Justice looked around.
“Consensus!”
For Naught 
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