UNFORTUNE COOKIES

YOUR WIFE WILL FIND HAPPINESS. SO WILL YOUR BROTHER.

A TALL, HANDSOME STRANGER WILL ASK FOR YOUR PURSE.

YOUR LIFE WILL BECOME A CONFLUENCE OF EVENTS THAT WILL HAVE YOU WISHING YOU HADN’T OPEN THIS FORTUNE COOKIE.

YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS FOR LAST WEEK’S LOTTERY ARE 9, 17 and 33.

 

COMMUNITY CLASSES

911/411: What’s an emergency/What’s a complaint?

DOG OBEDIENCE: Learn who’s really in charge.

POLICY DEBATE: Turn a character flaw into a skill.

HOME GARDENING: What can you smoke? What can you eat?

ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE (ELS): Learn how to properly swear at your new neighbor.

 

MUSICALS

If I can make it there
I’ll stay in Delaware
Dover, Dover

Dough, a dollar, ten thousand dollars
Ray, a guy who owes that kind of dough
My Favorite Loan Shark

Love me tender
Love me true
Love my blue suede shoes
Viva Los Zapatos

 

MOVIES

They call me Mister Tibbs!
But you can call me Tibby!
In the Heat of Nickname

There’s no place like home.
Wait, that’s Kansas.
Damn!
Wizard of Wichita

No man can eat fifty raw oysters.
Cool Hand Larry

I’ll give him an offer he can’t refuse:
A free time-share in Pensacola.
The Godfather’s Brother-in-Law

Frankly my dear,
I don’t give a gosh-darn-dang.
Gone With the Censor

Here’s looking at you….
What’s your name again?
Causablanka

Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys.
Charge it to your parents’ Mastercard.
Dead Credit Society

If you build it, you better get a permit.
Field of Delayed Dreams

The name’s Bond. James Bond.
But you can call me Tibby!
For Your Ears Only

 

SHAKE IT UP

All the world’s a stage.
Yours happens to be in the lobby.
As You Don’t Want It

My mistress’ eyes are nothing like a dachshund’s.
Sonnet 130.5

Out! Out! Damn spot!
Oh, please don’t stain.
MacBetty

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Hot, sticky, stifling?
Shall I not?

 

POLITICS

We have nothing to fear but wood ticks.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt

All men are created equal.
Some cannot do the math.
Thomas Jefferson

Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask how much you can give to my political action committee.
John F. Kennedy

Politics is an act of faith.
Faith is an act of trust.
Trust is an act that should never involve politics.
George McGovern

 

MINDFUL

In my mind I’m going to Carolina
Can’t you see the sunshine?
Can’t you feel the moonshine?
Whoa, this is strong stuff!
Carolina Still

Some drink to remember
Some drink to…
What’s the building?
The state?
Got it!
Motel Carolina

I met my old lover on the street last night
She seemed so glad to see me
I just smiled and wished I could remember her name
Still Forgetful After All These Years

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name
It’s felt good to be out of the rain
Still, it bugs me that horse has no name
A Horse with No Comment

 

DREAMS

Someday we’ll build a home on a hilltop high, you and I
Shiny and new cottage that two can fill
And we’ll be pleased to be called
“The folks who live on the hill”
Someday the architect will provide updated plans
Someday the county will grant a permit
That’s after we get an environmental assessment
Until then will be called:
“The folks just standing on an undeveloped hill”

Since I am just a girl at school
I asked my teacher, “What should I try?
Should I paint pictures? Should I sing songs?”
This was her wise reply:
“Your art teacher said you should sing
And your music teacher said you should paint”
Que Sera, Sera (Whatever, Denise)

All the leaves are brown
And the sky is grey
I’ve been out for a walk
On a hazy day
I’d be nice and cool
If I was in Duluth
Minnesota Dreamin’
On such a steamy day

 

BENNY FRANKLIN

A penny saved is still a penny.

Tell me and I forget.
Teach me and I may remember.
Here’s a bunch of pennies.
Just do it for me.

In wine there is wisdom.
In beer there is freedom.
Gatorade is mostly swamp water.

Lost time is never found
Especially when it involves a stolen Rolex.

But in this world nothing can be said to be certain
Except for death and my ten-point plan to avoid paying taxes.

 

PRAYERFUL REMINDERS

Make me a channel for my Benetti.
Where there is rain, let me drink rum.
Where there is sunshine, let me tan.
Where there are clouds, let there be more rum.
Yachter’s Prayer

O blessed St. Anthony
The grace of God has made you
A powerful advocate in all our needs
And the patron for the restoring
Of things lost or stolen
I turn to you today with childlike love
To ask for you not to answer father’s prayers
In finding his missing coin collection
St. Anthony’s Prayer for Keeping Things Lost

 

TV SHOWS

Hit: Touched by an Angel
Miss: Laughed at by a Clown

Hit: Highway to Heaven
Miss: Traffic in Ventura

Hit: Friends
Miss: Acquaintances

Hit: Dallas
Miss: Fort Worth

Hit: Friday Night Lights
Miss: Saturday Morning Cleanup

Hit: Euphoria
Miss: Ennui

Hit: 911: Emergency
Miss: 411: Busy Signal

Hit: Game of Thrones
Miss: Gossip on Futons

 

A NUT TO REMEMBER

One most wish would return to its home of origin.
Brazil

Most likely to guest star in a daytime soap opera.
Pistachió

Most likely to start a sentence with: “I remember…”
Walnut

Most likely to develop an allergy.
Casheeew!

Most likely to be overlooked at a class reunion.
Filbert

Least likely to lie under oath.
Oak

Most likely to refer to itself as a legumé.
Peanut

Most likely to be described as wistful.
Pine

 

MINOR MAXIMS

When in Rome do as the Romans do. Go to Naples.

Kings need not raise their voices to be heard, unless they are at a New York deli.

When life gives you lemons, get a truckload of sugarcane.

Good things come in small packages; bad things arrive C.O.D.

You’re never too old to learn that you’re too old to learn anything.

Opposites attract opposing negations that counter-inverse to form a noncontradictory alliance.

 

GIVE A RING

Call me, call me, on the line
Call me, call me, any, anytime
Better yet
Text me, text me, between 3-5
Don’t text again until I reply
Text Me

London calling, and I don’t wanna shout
But can you answer before I blow my top
London on Line One

If you want me, you can find me
Left of center off of the strip
In the suburbs at Tom’s Dinner
In a booth ordering grits
Left on Caramel

 

POETIC LICENSE

Wild Nights – Wild Nights!
Were I with thee
Wild Nights…
Should we blame our criminal activity on Steve?
Emily “Plea Bargain” Dickinson

The woods are lovely, dark and deep
But I must hurry
With a bladder to relieve
Robert “Pit Stop” Frost

No man is an island
Stan is a cay though
A real atoll
John “Cabin Cruise” Donne

I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as my HDTV
Joyce “Streaming” Kilmer

How do I love thee?
Hmmmm…
Elizabeth “Second Thoughts” Barrett Browning